This is the story of my journey as I attempt to establish roots and do more than just "Live on the Surface".

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I yelled at Rowan today

and threw his cowboy hat.  It really wasn't his fault.  He is just being a two year old.  We had enjoyed our morning but by 10:30 I started to feel like I couldn't breathe (no church btw).  I knew we had to get out of the house right that minute or we weren't going any where.

So I started the know the one.  Rowan put your shirt on, Rowan go potty, Rowan no it isn't nap time (with a couple of Sloane's tucked in there for good measure).  So I had been trying to catch him for 45 minutes to put his shorts on.  He had his cowboy hat and as I was trying to do Sloane's hair he kept putting it on her head.

I tried to ignore it but it was 11:15 and nearly lunch time.  I HAD to get out of the house.  I snapped.  I grabbed the hat out of his hands, threw it on the floor and yelled at him to get his shorts.

Then of course I cried.  I don't want to be a mother with an explosive temper.  I don't want my kids to fear my reactions.  Most of all, I hate that my husband saw that.  The kids won't remember right now but he will.

We walked to the park and I silently cried for the first 30 minutes we were there.  It was a bit of a release of all things I think.  I have always known that parenting is a 24/7 gig but I didn't embrace the full reality of it until I started to stay home.

The pressure of the kids ONLY wanting mommy.  Having to sneak out of the house to go buy a Sunday paper so I don't cause a melt down.  Fighting with each other over which direction they want mommy to go.  I love that my kids want to sit by me (or on top of me) at all times but honestly, sometimes a little space would be nice.  It is just a lot. 

Do I sound ungrateful?

It is difficult to articulate.  I tried explaining it to AJ but I think he took it as me not wanting to stay home any more.  Got the ol' "there are ways to remedy that" response.  I can't even imagine putting the kids back in a daycare (even an at home center) and I wouldn't want to miss any of the experiences I have been lucky enough to have with them.

Honestly, even if I went back to work I wouldn't want to go back into my field and I wouldn't make enough money doing entry level stuff to make it worth it.

Maybe our financial uncertainty and limitations are adding to my already complicated emotions.

I have been dreaming about work lately.  LOTS and lots of work dreams.  A couple of nights ago I dreamt that I went back to my old boss and begged to have my job back.  She gave it to me but then my first assignment was to go pick up her dogs shit.  Boy if that doesn't say something huh?

I have a lot of friends who left the same company I did and they ALL said it took them a long time to decompress.  My best friend left the company over 10 years ago and just recently has been able to visit the property she used to work at without getting the shakes and feeling like she was going to puke.

I don't want to know anything about my old department.  I talk to a couple of people from the office but they know they aren't allowed to talk to me about work.  I can't watch that new show "Outsourced" on NBC because I am still so bitter about how much of myself (and my family) I sacrificed for the Manila launch.

GAH!  This is probably the most convoluted and rambling post ever.  Just a lot on my mind I suppose.

On a church related note.  I don't think we are ready.  We know we need to go but also know that the kids will not let me out of their sight right now and can't make it through a church service so we are kind of stuck.

I need to have a motivated Monday.  My house while picked up could use a good scrubbing, my kids need a good squeezing and my husband probably needs a little attention.  Even though the house is small, we seem to be on opposite ends of it lately.

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